Television Can Blow Me by James Donaghy

Author:James Donaghy
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Published: 2011-07-26T19:01:22+00:00

The Apprentice Series 2

You think 80s revivalism has gone too far? Of course you do - it was a cultural and political holocaust venerated only by piss drinking baby rapists, Vic 20 enthusiasts and Manimal star Simon MacCorkindale. It is therefore fitting that this year’s Apprentice contestants are an assortment of recruitment filth who take you right back to the worst decade in recorded time. It’s as if dinosaur cloning scientists merged the DNA of Margaret Thatcher, Gordon Gekko and Alan B’stard and spawned an unholy litter of goal-orientated hair-gelled careerist scum in one go.

The 14 hopefuls are quickly split into two groups of seven girls and seven boys. Their first task is to choose a team name. The girls take less than three minutes to come up with Velocity. An hour later the boys have yet to come up with a shortlist.

This despite the efforts of Syed, one of the most offensive men that ever lived, who is convinced that his idea ‘The A-Team’ is the best. The others remain unconvinced and take to brainstorming. Syed, helpfully reads the results back to them “Success, vision, creativity, maverick - all of that rolls into the A-Team”.

Is this guy on commission? Ben, a plummy IT consultant tells them “I like the idea of combining two words into one new word that doesn’t actually mean anything but sounds good”. I quite agree, Ben. Here’s a couple for you: Shut-the, Fuck-up.

They finally settle on Invicta (“it’s Latin for indestructible”) and make Ben the project leader for the task. Selling a load of fruit on Hackney market with a budget of £500.

The girls team is ably led by Karen, a sexy lawyer who hails from Scotland. Tall, dark-haired and willowy, she looks great for 39. Too bad she’s 34. The girls get a load of free fruit from the wholesalers by flirting with the men there and generally pushing their luck. The fruit may be over-ripe and on the turn but so are the women. While the boys are busy practising the ancient art of haggling, the girls are busy practising the ancient art of showing their tits. Good for them.

The girls clearly make a better profit by several hundred pounds but Sugar is far from sweet on the idea of flirting to get crappy fruit. He lambasts them for using their feminine wiles in this disgraceful manner and gives them five minutes to come up with a reason why the hell he should award them the victory. Sexy Karen comes back and gives him one and he says “Yeah, alright then. I was only hamming it up for the cameras, I think you’ve got great tits, go and enjoy the champagne with the rest of the slaaags” something which Sexy Karen is only too happy to do.

So we’re left with two-word Ben, fuck faced Syed and Samuel, an anonymous product developer in the final three frame to be sacked. Sir Alan isn’t impressed with any of them - Ben oversaw failure of the task, Syed is an obnoxious turd and Samuel spends his entire time avoiding responsibility.

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